Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Life cycle of cat
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.