Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

🐠

@funTweeters

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

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