Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

Stonehinge

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.