HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
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[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
that wasn’t the question
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
is this a warning or an offer?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.