Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
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Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work