Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

#CoronaOutbreak

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

i want to work in this restaurant