Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

When you’re Kinky but poor

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)