Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

the prophecies have been fulfilled

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

every single time

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.