Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.