Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Finally a use for spoilers…

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.