Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.