Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.