Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Oh yeah that’s it
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license