Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
When they try to steal your moment.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Lmao
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.