Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
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“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I try
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.