Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
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Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
dictator is short for richard potato
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
? 💀
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat