Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul