Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

🤣

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

2022 will be better than 2021

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again