Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.