Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam