Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Duolingo getting serious.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician