Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely