Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
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American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
#ParentingFacts
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks