Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
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[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Canada has crack?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.