Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
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“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I think the cat got the dog high.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”