Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.