Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…

Shouldn’t he be working in web design?

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

i made a craigslist ad !

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?