“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
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Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.
Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.