Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
seems fine
same bro
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.