@BoogTweets

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

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@jazmasta

[kids party]
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Dad no
“That’s..”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*

@BradNewsBears

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

@CMFC99

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

@Havish_AF

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

@sarabellab123

My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.

@ArfMeasures

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

@TheAlexNevil

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

@bobvulfov

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

@JermHimselfish

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.