Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

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*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*


*wife puts down dinner plate*

*single pea rolls off plate*

Me: oh no we have an esca-pea


Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny


Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack


*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*


[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-


(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.


Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…


Women denied dating me long before Moby made it cool


FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell