HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
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Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
As a doctor, I can confirm
calling in to work dehydrated
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes