HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
“What movie?” 🤔
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires