Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”