her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
You Might Also Like
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
thinking about this
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.