her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
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If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
britain’s three elite institutions
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I will never stop laughing at this
Had a rough week. Might get bangs later.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
