Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
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Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Yup
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”