Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
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Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Not recommended for beginners.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.