Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.