Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.