Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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Yup….perfect score!
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“That’s what” – She
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.