Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?