I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.