Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared