Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire