Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wikigenius

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.