a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it