Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Maths meets science
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.