Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
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Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late