Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

Mapping America’s Far Right

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

Botany good plants lately?

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick