Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap