Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand