Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.