Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.