Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you