Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
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Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Storm Tropical Storm
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back