Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

There’s never enough good news

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

thinking about a very short hotdog

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min