Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
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ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
the #horror is real!
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.