Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.