@AndyAsAdjective

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

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@RegularFred

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@DevilryFun

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

@biatchppplease

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

@SamInspired

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

@stevevsninjas

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

@duplicitron

When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You’re both now.

@ShittyComedian

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

@Megatronic13

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

@_stylr

paint by numbers implies the existence of paint by leviticus and paint by deuteronomy