Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

I am yelling

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

British websites use biscuits.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!