Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
iPhone X
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.