Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people