Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

Fights fire with marshmallows

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?