Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Y’all know who you are.

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.