Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.