Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Kermit goes Blue.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.