Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Um … Hot Wings please

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life