Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
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lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.