Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Hot Hot Hot
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15