Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

I love it

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

United Steaks of America

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet