Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
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Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased