Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
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The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.